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Welcome all to my little corner of the internet!

Below you will find a collection of posts containing ideas and excerpts from a variety of writing endeavors. This blog was created primarily as a place for me to share my voice with the world, but it is also meant as a means to push me closer to my ultimate goal: becoming a published novelist and accomplished writer. So please, read, enjoy, and if you have the time take a moment to leave any feeback you may have in the comments section, be it good or bad (Comments were purposefully left anonymous for those uncomfortable with openly posting their thoughts or identity). Private messages or inquiries can be directed to my Facebook or Twitter page (@NateCalvanese). And, as always, sharing of this blog with friends, family, and colleagues is not only welcome but encouraged!

I look forward to sharing this experience with all of you. Thank you so much for the support!

-Nate


Thursday, March 7, 2013

Five Unintentionally Hilarious Movie Scenes - Part 4

Over the next few days, I will be releasing five of my favorite Unintentionally Hilarious Movie Scenes. My end goal for this exercise is to have a complete and entertaining list-style article to submit to Cracked.com. That means I need comments, humorous or otherwise, that will help me refine the final article. Thanks in advance, Nate.

Article placed after jump to decrease home page bandwidth...


3) "For Aslan!"


The Scene: This scene takes place roughly halfway through The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian, just after an assault on King Miraz's castle ends with half the Narnian forces being trapped and slaughtered by the Telmarian guards (and here I thought Disney was getting soft!). Holed up in Aslan's How, a huge barrow built over the Stone Table, the remaining Narnians argue about what to do next. The red dwarf version of Tyrion Lannister believes they should retreat, while Peter and his woodland companions make a case for holding their ground. The last to get his word in, obviously, after showing up in approximately zero scenes beforehand, is everyone's favorite salmon-catching renegade...the aptly named Bulgy Bear (as credited on IMDB).

Why It's Funny: Because it's a big, dumb bear with a big, dumb voice, and we're all completely aware of it. It's the theatrical equivalent of farting in an elevator, and here's why:

The Chronicle of Narnia movies, just like any other work of fiction out there, are at their best when we're able to take the fantastical elements in stride as the story progresses as opposed to having to rationally consider what we're seeing. Take the character of Reepicheep, for example, a swashbuckling mouse voiced by the great Eddie Izzard. When Reepicheep comes into a scene, we're able to view him as his character first, and as a talking mouse second. This helps maintain the illusion the movie presents. When Bulgy Bear decides to interject himself into the scene, however, that illusion is absolutely smashed to pieces.

For starters, where the hell did he come from? Is he even in the movie before this? It's almost as if the writers decided halfway through the script that a talking mouse and badger just weren't enough for them. They needed more! More talking animals! So they went bigger. And they went scarier. They found the biggest, most dangerous animal they could think of, created a character for it, and gave it a single line. All that was left was casting a voice. Obviously, it should come off as somewhat intimidating, right? It is a bear after all.  So why not look for someone with a naturally deep voice, with maybe a little extra ruggedness to it? That'd make sense, right? Wrong. They chose to go with this guy instead:

A little heavy on the make-up if you ask me.
That's not a transvestite, people. That's English comedian/actor David Walliams, the voice of Bulgy Bear himself. Now here's what I don't get: If you're gonna hire an Englishman, why wouldn't you go with one of those crazed, soccer-hooligan types you can find down at the local pub? You're telling me not one of those bearded bastards could've sobered up long enough to come down to the set, say "For Aslan!" without sounding like a total idiot, and be on his merry way? I don't buy it.

Besides, why would you hire an Englishman at all? The bear wasn't British. It didn't have a British accent. How the hell are you gonna expect David Walliams of all people to know what an American accent would sound like on a bear? Maybe, in his world, a bear with an American accent sounds more like Sloth from The Goonies than any type of threatening character. That's something the writers and directors probably should've looked into during his interview. But noooo, instead we got stuck with a big, dumb bear with an atrocious American-Bear accent, whose one line is enough to completely obliterate the rich fantasy the movie spent its first hour crafting. Bravo chaps! A job well done!

....Stupid f'in bear.





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